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Need A Laugh or Some Words of Wisdom?
(P2)


March 4, 2005

Ode to Arizona

The Devil wanted a place on earth.
Sort of a summer home:
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Arizona.
A place both wretched and rough.
Here the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys were hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
and ordered no rain to fall:
He dried up the lakes in the valleys,
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over his barren desert
He transplanted shrubs from Hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear --
The climate suited them well.

Now, the home was much to his liking.
But animal life, he had none:
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he made the rattlesnake.
With its forked poisonous tongue:
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow its young.

Then he made Scorpions and Lizards
And the ugly old Horned Toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter.
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old Horned Toad looked ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom.
As any creator would:
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.

'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his wearthy brow.
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly," he finally panted
"I did my job too well.
I'm going back where I came from
Arizona is hotter than Hell!"


You know you're in Arizona when ...

*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

*You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

*You can make instant sun tea.

*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

*The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

*Hot water now comes out of both taps.

*It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

*You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

*You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

*No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

*You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

7/12/03
A FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21ST CENTURY
ONCE UPON A TIME, IN A LAND FAR AWAY, A BEAUTIFUL INDEPENDENT, SELF-ASSURED PRINCESS HAPPENED UPON A FROG AS SHE SAT, CONTEMPLATING ECOLOGICAL ISSUES ON THE SHORES OF AN UNPOLLUTED POND IN A VERDANT MEADOW NEAR HER CASTLE. THE FROG HOPPED INTO THE PRINCESS' LAP AND SAID:

ELEGANT LADY, I WAS ONCE A HANDSOME PRINCE, UNTIL AN EVIL WITCH CAST A SPELL UPON ME. ONE KISS FROM YOU, HOWEVER, AND I WILL TURN BACK INTO THE DAPPER, YOUNG PRINCE THAT I AM AND THEN, MY SWEET, WE CAN MARRY AND SETUP HOUSEKEEPING IN YOUR CASTLE WITH MY MOTHER, WHERE YOU CAN PREPARE MY MEALS, CLEAN MY CLOTHES, BEAR MY CHILDREN, AND FOREVER FEEL GRATEFUL AND HAPPY DOING SO.

THAT NIGHT, AS THE PRINCESS DINED SUMPTUOUSLY ON A REPAST OF LIGHTLY SAUTÉED FROG LEGS SEASONED IN A WHITE WINE AND ONION CREAM SAUCE, SHE CHUCKLED AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF: I DON'T FREAKING THINK SO.


Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
         _____
     WARNING:
     The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
      when you are not.
     _____
     WARNING:
     The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
      retard.
     _____
     WARNING:
     The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
      and over again that you love them.
     _____
     WARNING:
     The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
     _____
     WARNING:
     The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
      are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
     _____
     WARNING:
     The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
      converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
     ____
     WARNING:
     The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
      burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
     _____
     WARNING:
     The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
      tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
     _____
     WARNING:
     The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
      laughing WITH you.
     _____
     WARNING:
     The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
     _____
     WARNING:
     The crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real
      gode.

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