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Need A Laugh or Some Words of Wisdom?

Page 1 of 2
To P2 (Updated March 4, 2005)

 


BRAIN CRAMPS  (6/9/03)


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed
to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean
I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- 
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --
Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --
A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --
John Wayne
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --
Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --
Lee Iacocca
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"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- Bill Clinton, President
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or ay not occur." -- Al
Gore, VP
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --
Keppel Ederbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --
Department of Social Services, Greenville South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


God's creation......

And God populated the earth with
broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow
vegetable of all kinds,
so Man and Woman would
live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's.

And McDonald's brought forth the
99-cent double-cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man,
"You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them."
And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt,
that woman might keep her figure that
man  found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate.
And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream.
And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart
healthy vegetables and olive oil with
which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried
steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his
bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth
running shoes and Man
resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV
with remote control so Man would
not have to toil to change channels
between ESPN and ESPN2. 

And Man gained pounds.

And God said,
"You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato,
a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
 
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin
and sliced the starchy center into chips
and deep-fat fried them.

And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control
and ate the potato chips
swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created
quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.


A Woman's Dictionary...
11/25/01

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v.
To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire".

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus...breath...push...Good Girl!"

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone, who is able to create a style, you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician".

Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day ,when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n.
The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.


Preparedness.........................Tips on staying safe
Received from Becky L. on 11/23/01

The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, DO IT!
 
If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. THIS WILL SAVE LIVES!
 
Last night I attended a personal safety workshop and it jolted me. It was given by an amazing man, Pat Malone. He has been a body guard for famous figures like Farrah Fawcett and Sylvester Stallone. He works for the FBI, and teaches police officers and Navy SEALS hand-to-hand combat. This man has seen it all, and knows a lot.
 
He focused his teachings to us on HOW TO AVOID BEING THE VICTIM OF A VIOLENT CRIME. He save us some statistics about how much the occurrences of random violence have escalated over the recent years, as it's terrible.
 
Here are some of the most important points that I got out of the presentation:~
 
1. The three reasons women are easy targets for random acts of violence are:
 
A) LACK OF AWARENESS!
!~~You MUST know where you are and WHAT'S going on around you.
 
B) BODY LANGUAGE!
~~~Keep your head up, swing your arms, stand straight up.
 
C) WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME!
~~~Don't walk alone in an alley, or drive in a bad neighborhood at night.
 
2. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit there (doing their checkbook or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get into the passenger side, put a gun to your head and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE!
 
A) A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage. BE AWARE:~ look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
 
B) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling into them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
 
C) Look at the car parked on the drivers side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY! (Better paranoid than dead.)
 
3. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).
 
A) Do not get on an elevator if there is a weirdo already on there. (Of course, bad men don't always look bad).
 
B) Do not stand back in the corners of the elevator, be near the front, by the doors, ready to get off or on. 
 
C) If you get on the elevator on the 25th floor, and the Boogie Man gets on the 22nd, get off when he gets on.
 
4) If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!
 
A) Police only make 4 of 10 shots when they are in range of 3.9 feet. This is due to stress.
 
B) The predator will not only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN.
 
5) As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic. STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed.
 
A) Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
 
B) Pat Malone told us the story of his daughter, who came out of the mall and was walking to her car when she noticed 2 older ladies in front of her. Then she saw a police car come towards her with cops who said hello. She also noticed that all 8 handicap spots in the area were empty. As she neared her car she saw a man a few rows over calling to her for help. He wanted her to close his passenger side door. He was sitting on the driver's side, and said he was handicapped. He continued calling, until she turned and headed back to the mall, and then he began cursing at her. In the meantime, she wondered why he didn't ask the 2 older ladies, or the policeman for help. As she got back to the mall, two male friends of hers were exiting, and as she told them the story, and tunred to point at the car, the man was getting out of the back seat into the front, and car sped away. DON'T GET CAUGHT IN THIS TRAP!
 
6) Tips to saving your life, if you have gotten into a violent situation:
 
A) REACT IMMEDIATLY! If he abducts you in a parking lot, and is taking you to an abandoned area, DON'T LET HIM GET YOU TO THAT AREA! If you are driving, react immediately in the situation, and crash your car while still going 5mph.
If he's driving, find the right time, and stick your fingers in his eyes. He must watch the road, so choose an unsuspecting time, and gouge him. It is your ONLY defense. While he is in shock, GET OUT! (This sounds gross, but the alternative is your fault if you do not act.)
 
B) RESIST! Don't go along with him: run, if you are able: DON'T EVER GIVE UP! You DO NOT want to get to a crime scene.
 
7) Always keep your distance when walking past strangers on the street or dark areas.
 
8) GET A CELL PHONE!
 
A) There are packages for $19.95 a month that allow you to program only 911 into the dialing out program. (This is an alternative for parents who say it is too expensive for their kids to have a cell phone)
 
9) BREAK DOWNS! Make every effort to avoid this by ALWAYS keeping your car in good working order.
 
A) If your car breaks down: LOCK YOUR DOORS! You better have a cell phone to call for help.
 
B) If you don't have a cell phone: (shame on you) keep a blanket, warm clothes, a pair of boots, and a flashlight in your car always, for emergencies.
 
C) If it's noon on a business day, you may want to put your hazards on and walk to safety.
 
D) If it's 2 a.m., put on your warm clothes, and walk to a lighted area. You are a perfect target if you are sitting in your car broken down. Predators search the highways for easy targets like you.
 
E) If you're on a desolate road: WALK AWAY FROM YOUR CAR! (in your warm clothes) and go to some bushes, or some area AWAY from your vehicle. It will be cold, and uncomfortable, but you DO NOT want to stay in your car, and there are no psycho bogeymen waiting in the bushes who knew you were going to break down there and then.
 
10. Physical defenses that we can use against the violent predator.
 
A) The EYES are the most vulnerable part of the body. Poke him there. HARD! It may be your only window of opportunity.
 
B) The NECK is also a vulnerable part, but you MUST know where to grip, and HAVE THE STENGTH to cut off his breath.
 
C) The last place are the KNEES! Everyone's knees are very vulnerable, and a swift kick here will take everyone down.
 
A cautionary note about these things. If you do not do these things right the first time, you are in TROUBLE because it will only anger the individual, and that anger will be TAKEN OUT ON YOU. I'm not saying don't attempt them (it may be your only hope), but be forceful when you do.
 
11. If you are walking alone in the dark (which you shouldn't be) and you find him following/chasing you:~
 
A) SCREAM "FIRE", and not 'help'. People don't want to get involved when people yell 'help', but 'fire' draws attention because people are nosey.
 
B) RUN!!!
 
C) Find an obstacle, such as a parked car, and run around it, like RING AROUND THE ROSIE. This may sound silly, but over the years, 5 women have told Pat Malone that this SAVED THEIR LIVES.
 
D) Your last hope is GETTING UNDER THE CAR. Once you are under there, there are tons of things to hold on to, and he will not be able to get you out and will not come under for you (most likely). Usually they give up by this point. The catch here is that YOU MUST PRACTICE GETTING UNDER THE CAR. You must have a plan (he will have one) know if you will be going on your back, front, from the side or back of the car. It must be practiced!
 
12) Never let yourself or anyone that you know be a "closer" in any time pf business (bar, store, restaurant, gas station). Pat Malone knew Danielle, who was a girl that just died from being shot pointblank by some kids while she was closing at the local gas station. He talked with her the night before she died, and asked whether it ever scared her to close alone. She said YES, but said "I'll be all right, Pat. I'll be all right." She wasn't. Our world is not as safe as we pretend that it is, and living in our fantasy worlds WILL get us in trouble, sooner or later.
 
Pat Malone said again that the women who die EVERY MINUTE from violent crimes expected to go to bed tonight, and get up tomorrow. No one expects it, but we must be prepared and aware so that we HAVE A PLAN! BE PREPARED TO ACT! and ACT HARD! HAVE A PLAN!
 
I would encourage you to pass this on to all. Not just your friends and family, but EVERYBODY! We all need to hear it. 

Dumb Arizona state laws

July 31, 2001

Hunting camels is prohibited. (The US Army once experimented with camels in the Arizona desert, and eventually gave up. The remaining camels were set free, and are now protected.)

  • Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. (This goes back in the days of the Wild West.)
  • There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus. (The Saguaro cactus, treasured by Arizonians, has been endangered by those who find pleasure in shooting or cutting down cacti. Thus, a law was passed to proect the cactus.)
  • Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
  • When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.
  • It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
  • You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

    City laws

    Glendale:
    Cars may not be driven in reverse.

    Globe:
    Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

    Hayden:
    If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.

    Maricopa County:
    No more than six girls may live in any house.

    Mesa:
    It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.

    Mohave County:
    A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

    Nogales:
    An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.

    Prescott:
    No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.

    Tucson:
    Women may not wear pants.

    Tombstone:
    It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

    * * *

17 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity

1.    Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"

2.    At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Then set your watch and see how long it takes for the first patrol car to show up.

3.    When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

4.    As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

5.    Ask people what sex they are.

6.    Specify that your drive-through order is "To go."

7.    Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

8.    Sing along at the opera.

9.   Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

10.   Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

11.   In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors."

12.   Don't use any punctuation.

13.   Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14.   Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

15.   Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess!"

16.   When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!"

17.   Tell someone you are sending them 17 items, and then only send 16.


Do you have a problem on occasion, that when someone says something so outrageous and rude to you, you are totally deflated on the spot and are rendered speechless by the other person's outburst.  And then later you think of ten really great comebacks you wish you had said to the rude person?  In honor of ALL of us who have been in this situation, we present
Saul Bellows and tell his story of what we wish we would have said in this embarrassing situation.

Mr. Bellows, a kind older gentleman, had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. It was a most delicate problem that most older gentlemen suffer from time to time, but nonetheless an extremely personal problem indeed, just ask any gentleman who has encountered the problem.

He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. In a quiet voice he said, "I am patient Mr. Bellows and am here for my appointment".

In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, Saul, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right?"

The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around to look at the embarrassed and very humiliated man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied,  "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"



SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE DRINKING TOO MUCH:

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbors cat more and more attractive

14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You don't recognize your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. You've fallen and can't get up.

20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.


The Red Neck Quiz
(from netlaughter.com)

Are You A Redneck?
Take This Quiz and Find Out!

1. Your richest relative buys a new house, and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

2. You've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.

3. You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

4. There is a stuffed 'possum anywhere in your home.

5. Do you consider a 6-pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment?

6. Your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand.

7. Someone asks to see your I.D. and you show them your belt buckle.

8. You grow your sideburns longer and fuller because it looks so good on your sister.

9. The U.F.O Hotline limits you to one call per day.

10. You know how many bales of hay your car can hold.

11. You've ever used a Weed Eater indoors.

12. Hail hits your house and you have to take it to the body shop for an estimate.

13. Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

14. Your family tree doesn't fork...

15. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

16. Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.

17. Your watchband is wider than any book you have ever read.

18. You view duct tape as a long-term investment.

19. Red Man Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

20. After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.

21. You've ever been fired from a construction job due to your appearance.

22. You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

23. You've ever cleaned a fish in your living room.

24. You've ever had to haul a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

25. You actually know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

If You Can Relate To 15 Or More Of These Questions....
Then You Are Officially A REDNECK!

TOP OF PAGE


Issued by the Montana Bureau of Tourism to ALL visiting Californians and Northeastern Urbanites.

1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at the Kit Kat cafe. It is a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.

2. Don't laugh at the name s of our little towns (Zortman, Broadus,
Forsythe, Joe, Deer Lodge, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.

3. Don't order a bottle or can of soda here. Up here it is called Pop.
Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally more a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of rednecks or we'll kick your ass.

5. We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living up here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6. We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

7. Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will know that you are a tourist. Eat your steak well done like God intended and have some potatoes with that. Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.

8. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and LA, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, North West airlines is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

9. Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care. If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it is 10 degrees then you should go home and try fishing in New York harbor. Also, don't hog the heater in the fish house house or we'll kick your ass.

10. Don't complain that Eastern Montana is flat and that there is not enough trees. If you whine about our scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to Cleveland.

11. Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We speak only when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they ours.

12. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the prairie should, "go back to the buffalo." This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

Enjoy your visit to the Big Sky Country.


How Do You Live Your Dash?

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning...to the end
He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years. (1934 -1998)
For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars...the house...the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard...
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a     smile.
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy's being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?
          Author Unknown


 

HERE ARE SOME THINGS TO PONDER

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some
are pretty, some are dull, some have weird  names, and all are different colors ... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

Life is what you make of it...kinda like Play-Doh

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no
simpler.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and
shine when the sun is out but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within.

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often
so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?


AN OLD MAN, A BOY AND A DONKEY WERE GOING TO TOWN.
THE BOY RODE ON THE DONKEY AND THE OLD MAN WALKED.
AS THEY WENT ALONG THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO
REMARKED IT WAS A SHAME THE OLD MAN WAS WALKING AND THE BOY WAS RIDING.
THE MAN AND BOY THOUGHT MAYBE THE CRITICS WERE
RIGHT, SO THEY CHANGED POSITIONS.
LATER THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE THAT REMARKED," WHAT A SHAME, HE MAKES THAT LITTLE BOY WALK."
THEY DECIDED THEY BOTH WOULD WALK!
SOON THEY PASSED SOME MORE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE STUPID TO WALK WHEN
THEY HAD A DECENT DONKEY TO RIDE.
SO, THEY BOTH RODE THE DONKEY!
NOW THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE THAT SHAMED THEM SAYING HOW AWFUL TO PUT SUCH A LOAD ON A POOR DONKEY.
THE BOY AND MAN SAID THEY WERE PROBABLY RIGHT SO
THEY DECIDED TO CARRY THE DONKEY.
AS THEY CROSSED A BRIDGE, THEY LOST THEIR GRIP ON
THE ANIMAL AND HE FELL INTO THE RIVER AND DROWNED.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY? ........
IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE YOUR ASS.


 

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
(From Net Laughter.com)


General

Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


Weddings

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


HOUSEHOLD HEALTH TIP

FOOD SAFETY
A stock clerk was sent to clean up a storeroom in Maui, Hawaii. When he got back, he was complaining that the storeroom was really filthy and that he had noticed dried mouse or rat droppings in some areas. A couple of days later, he started to feel like he was coming down with a stomach flu, complained of sore joints and headaches, and began to vomit. He went to bed and never really got up again. Within two days he was severely ill and weak. His blood sugar count was down to 66, and his face and eyeballs were yellow. He was rushed to the emergency at Pali-Momi, where he was diagnosed to be suffering from massive
organ failure. He died shortly before midnight.
No one would have made the connection between his job and his death, had it not been for a doctor who specifically asked if he had been in a warehouse or exposed to dried rat or mouse droppings at any time. They said there is a virus (much like the Hanta virus) that lives in dried rat and mouse droppings.
Once dried, these droppings are like dust and can easily be breathed in or ingested if a person does not wear protective gear or fails to wash face and hands thoroughly. An autopsy was performed on the clerk to verify the doctor's suspicions.


This is why it is extremely important to ALWAYS carefully rinse off the tops of canned sodas or foods, and to wipe off pasta packaging, cereal boxes, and so on.   Almost everything you buy in a supermarket was stored in a warehouse at one time or another, and stores themselves often have rodents. Most of us remember to wash vegetables and fruits but never think of boxes and cans. The ugly truth is, even the most modern, upper-class, super store has rats and mice. And their warehouse most assuredly does!


Whenever you buy any canned soft drink, please make sure that you wash the top with running water and soap or, if that is not available, drink with a straw.  The investigation of soda cans by the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta discovered that the tops of soda cans can be encrusted with dried rat's urine,
which is so toxic it can be lethal.  Canned drinks and other foodstuffs are stored in warehouses and containers that are usually infested with rodents, and then they get transported to retail outlets without being properly cleaned.
Please forward this message to the people you care about.

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